Zine Progress! [02 Oct 2008|09:24am] word's getting out about this zine project, which is pretty exciting. a couple new (to you) reviews and updates. Review in Zine World a zine about zines? anyway, they reviewed former fetus. former fetus: “an abortion journal.” Despite having heard about former fetus prior to getting hold of this copy, I was unprepared for emily’s zine. This is a verbatim collection of the posts from her livejournal blog, dealing with her life from her discovery that she was pregnant, through her abortion, and ending some nine months later. It’s been described—accurately—as searing, honest, and moving. I’d add “important” to that list, and suggest that $2 is a small price to pay for this emotional trip. Recommended. Emily, 13649 Brynwood Lane, Ft. Myers FL 33912, emilysrad@gmail.com, formerfetus.livejournal.com [$2 postage 32S :?] –clint Review on zinethug.com this one's kind of old, but i forgot to post it here for some reason. Former Fetus An Abortion Journal. The title comes from a bumper sticker that the author spotted on her way to the drugstore, to buy a second pregnancy test. "As a former fetus, I oppose abortion." Unedited, in eight point type, she reprints here the entries from a Livejournal account, starting on the day she found out she was knocked up, ending six months later as she reflects on how it impacted her life. A lot of words and raw emotion fill the pages. E. informs the sperm donor, a guy she had a drunken one night stand with, and who she must come to accept as a immature cad. She calls the same Planned Parenthood where she used to volunteer to schedule an appointment, but it has to wait two weeks, until she goes on vacation with her parents (yikes!). Mom and Dad are curious, maybe suspcious, but they don't ask questions. And throughout the period recounted here, our author continues to blur the shock of it all with alcohol. This was difficult to endure — more so than when she passes bloody tissue from her uterine wall and wonders if this is/was her child. For all the getting-it-all-down that she does online, E. seems disconnected her experience. It's not until, like I said, she provides the epilogue, six months later, that the story's circle is closed. A hard earned lesson, she deservedly made a zine of it. Reviewed by Marc. [$?, digest, 40 pp., copied] Emily (Hank Dewees), 13649 Brynwood Ln., Ft. Myers, FL 33912. the internet someone actually scanned the most recent cover and uploaded it to goodreads.com, and liza p. said "former fetus' zine scared me" in a comment on one of her friends' pages. Libraries! you can also find it for reading at the Multnomah County Library, main branch in Portland, Oregon and in the Women's Library at London Metropolitan University (what? this is crazy to me). wild! is everyone well and happy and lovely? i'm dating someone with a vasectomy; it's brilliant. 1 comment|post comment

Zine Reviewed in MRR! [19 Jul 2007|05:04pm] MaximumRockNRoll reviewed Former Fetus in their 25th anniversary issue #291 August 2007. They even put a big picture of the cover (that's you, Rodney) on the opposite page. How badass is that! If you want a copy to add to your collection of me in print, you can mail away for this 150 page bundle of goodness by sending $4 to... MAXIMUMROCKNROLL PO Box 460760 San Francisco, CA 94146 (be sure to ask for issue 291) If you don't want to do that, you can just read the review here... "This zine documents a (mainly) one-month period during which the author goes through the process of having an abortion. It was originally posted on the internet in 2005 as a Livejournal; here it appears unedited in a (nicely laid-out) cut 'n' paste zine with some artwork and photos. Former Fetus is a compelling read - the author does a good job of putting the reader in the head of a 19-year-old who suddenly finds herself pregnant and is forced to deal with the consequences. I don't believe this zine is trying to make any arguments for or against abortion, it's just one person's story about something extraordinary that happened in her life. (CS)" And, of course, if you want a copy for yourself, mail one buck or trade to ME at... Emily 13649 Brynwood Ln Ft Myers, FL 33912 Yay! ps. life is badass right now. i'm in a great relationship and we travel around a lot. we're in florida visiting the families now, and i ran into the boy last night. it was nice, he was nice, how surprising and.. nice. i hope you all are nice, too. <3<3 14 comments|post comment

[22 Jun 2006|06:08pm] here she is, not quite fully healed. 20 comments|post comment

[16 Mar 2006|10:09pm] depending on how you look at it, my due date passed a week ago or a month ago. i cannot even imagine myself with a newborn right now. last night we ate mexican food and there was the tiniest baby at the table next to us. my current swooned (he's older and thinks about children) and i cringed. my life would be so strange right now. just wanted to vent a little bit. i hope you are all so well. i love you. 2 comments|post comment

[27 Feb 2006|02:38pm] i'm paid off. i moved out of florida. yesterday i went to a clinic for a free HIV test because it's about time and a friend was going to get tested anyway. it was the first time i'd been to a clinic since my post-abortion ultrasound. i was totally freaked out and awkward whenever i had to talk to a counselor or nurse. the counselor was very nice, she did a lot of sitting and waiting for me to talk, which made me feel even more awkward and freaked out. i get my results soon, i'm sure i'm fine. i just had to vent about being freaked out at the clinic because i used to feel so comfortable. <3 post comment

[03 Jan 2006|04:39pm] because you asked.. i have been doing fine and well. actually, currently, i am writing you from an internet cafe in queens, vacationing from florida since christmas. i return home tomorrow and then head out to los angeles for three weeks. then i think i'm going to live on a ship and sail around the east coast of the US. physically, i've been well. mentally, getting there. the abortion was terrible to "get over." i had a lot of problems accepting who i was/am afterward, you know, after my pain killer prescription ran out. i was briefly sleeping around again, and then was single for a couple months. now i'm single again, getting back into accepting that and loving myself solo. dating is a nice distraction from your own brain, but ultimately ends because nobody is on the same journey as me. the whole problem with the abortion, though, wasn't anything moral or ethical, it was just because i had been so judgmental of women who had abortions. not that they are bad people or anything of that nature, just because it's so easily preventable and irresponsible to put yourself in such a position. that was very hard to get over, and i already knew that i was an irresponsible person. i just wasn't taking care of myself at that time, and now i know that i'm all that i've got, and that i'm the most important person in my life - not in an arrogant way at all, just in a form of self-preservation. i'm the only person who has to live with my brain and up to my standards. i'm the only person who can make me happy, and i'm the only person that i can make happy... see this bukowski poem. it's a bit overwhelming to try to give you a one-sided perspective of the situation, i'm trying to guess what assumptions you would make and questions you would ask, so i'll just end that here. i'm loving myself and trying to figure out life. i've been signing my letters "love and laughs" from the atmosphere lyrics "all i'm living for is love and laughs." and i don't mean romantic love either. i have no idea what that even is at this point in my life. so moving on. the boy is now dating his exgirlfriend, the only other person he's had sex with (well, at my time anyway) and the other person who has had one of his abortions. he still hasn't paid me, and with all of this traveling and no working, i could use two hundred dollars desperately. i was giving him a lot of slack because his band was touring and he was in between homes and jobs for a bit. now, however, he's waiting tables (in season in FL, meaning he's making a lot of money) and getting tattoos. so i'm collecting my keep. trying, anyway. hopefully my week in florida will end that conversation forever. i hope you all are doing well. i'm still around, will be forever, so let me know if you need any help or support of any kind. i'm here. you aren't alone, even though i feel like i am. 6 comments|post comment

[04 Aug 2005|03:13am] my boobs are still big and i think they will be forever (now that i said this, they'll be back to their normal barely AA cup tomorrow). the boy isn't on my mind at all anymore, except that i'm poor for fun. he said he'll give me money once he has it "just like [he] promised" but whatever. it's really not an issue. a lot of friendships were fucked up during this whole fiasco, but maybe it was for the better. now certain individuals know how i really am (a sleazy selfish non-martyr who loves to do it - to put it harshly). a big reality check that i think everyone needed. however, in spite of all that, i feel great! absolutely fantastic. seriously. oh yes.. someone is anonymously posting my real journal all over the internet. to that guy, you don't scare me. call the media and tell them who i am. call my parents. i don't know what kind of gimick you're trying to pull here, but seriously i'm simply feeling pity for you. please get a life of your own and post that livejournal name all over the internet. but if all your entries consist of is "so i tried really hard to annoy this chick who had an abortion today.." i don't think you'll have many readers. haha loser. farewell, my loves! i hope you all are doing well, especially the girls in my similar situation. you have my hugs and support and this journal if you ever need anyone to talk to. drop me your email address if you want. 21 comments|post comment

[29 Jul 2005|06:59pm] tomorrow, it will have been one month since the abortion. has it seriously only been one month? i haven't talked to the boy in a very very long time. i just want him to give me money. today i had to talk to my dad about money. i got frustrated that i seem so irresponsible (which i am, but not this bad) and couldn't just say "look. i had an abortion. that's why i'm out 400$. sorry." i've been hanging out with amazing people, old friends who i love very much. i've also been out of town a lot. yes. the end. stop arguing, my email box is too full. (but thank you for sticking up for me. <3) 22 comments|post comment

an update [20 Jul 2005|12:25am] because victimice checked... i'm doing okay. i was out of town for the past five days and had a wonderful time. it was good for my self-esteem completely, and i had a lot of fun doing other things that help how i reflect on my self-image. i got home at 4am last night, woke up at 1pm today, and was crying by 230. (so that didn't last very long.) i'm on an off. blech. the bleeding is on and off too. i don't think it will ever end. fuck you, bleeding. fuck you, abortion that i had ONE MONTH AGO and is still causing me problems. yup. one month today. party time! i went to the gyno to get my std check today. my discharge, of course, wasn't as bad as before. we didn't treat the BV, but now if i want a Rx i just have to call in. i'll get my results in about a week. relax. 28 comments|post comment

yuck [14 Jul 2005|01:32am] hey remember in that last post where i said i was wearing a tampon? that lasted for all of an hour before it filled and i bled all over myself. so it looks like tomorrow i'll be buying another big box of pads! 1 comment|post comment

blah blah [14 Jul 2005|12:32am] my self-esteem is about [here]. (that's me waving my palm very very close to the ground.) my chest is clenched up and i feel like two bucks maybe, and that's only because i just took a shower. started wearing tampons today, even though i don't like tampons even when i have my normal period. tomorrow i will get some from the health food store that aren't full of rayon and dioxin, and then i will be satisfied. this whole pad situation is getting out of hand. speaking of the word 'situation' and the fact that i often refer to this as a 'situation'... who the fuck am i trying to kid? it's not a 'situation.' it's a fucking abortion. it's a big deal, a bigger deal than to merely refer to it as the general state of things; the combination of circumstances at a given time a condition or position in which you find yourself circumstance this is a huge emotional, physical, and psychological trial. one that i am not coping with very well. i am emotionally unstable, one moment i'm ecstatic and then ten minutes later i'm crying. granted, this is because of other stupid stuff that has been going on (my car breaking down, for example) but i still don't usually react so much. i seriously have no self-worth at this moment in time and want nothing more than to succumb to cuddles and affection. (google define:succumb, be fatally overwhelmed) instead i'm going to drink orange vodka & slice and hope for the best. Running running down your face flows a sea straight through to midnight "Are all the dreams this loud" she says as the stars swim in the dark And around and 'round we're turning, sketching rings down in the sand We're moving 'neath the melting moon til we wash the world away And the days just wash away, just slip away And the time just keeps on spinning And the time just keeps on spinning And tonight we're not alone, we pull the sky down by our side And I'm not leaving you anymore Standing in the sand, staring at the sun, twisting into sound And I'm not leaving you anymore Burning down in the fire, we send our words up to the moonlight In the nighttime we are changed again, shedding skin 'neath the summer sky And around and 'round we're turning, watching words splash into stars We're wading through the melted moon til we wash the world away And the years just falling tears, just falling tears And the time just keeps on spinning And the time just keeps on spinning Standing in the sand, staring at the sun, twisting into sound And I'm not leaving you anymore 23 comments|post comment

follow up ultrasound [12 Jul 2005|02:16pm] what the fuck was that?! the tissue that i passed today was the lining of my uterus, or something otherwise related to completing the abortion. it was more grey than red and was about the size of my thumb, which made the nurses certain that it was the ending of the abortion. mmm... the exam i don't have to get a surgical abortion! woo!! there is still some blood in my uterus that i'm going to pass sooner or later. they warned me that if the bleeding is heaver than two pads an hour for two hours or more (or something.. i have it written down) to go to the emergency room. then she said ten times that they don't expect me to bleed this heavily. after the ultrasound, she looked at my cervix to make sure it had closed up again from when the pills dilated it, and yes, we're golden. i had mentioned that i think i have bacterial vaginosis earlier in the appointment so she looked at my gooey discharge and asked the other lady to do the same. i was advised to make an appointment (at my gynocologist) asap for a gonorea and chlamydia screening. my discharge looks like the clap and she often sees bv and chlamydia together (the chlamydia causes the bacterial imbalance). i made that appointment for next tuesday (one week - busy weekend) at 130pm. if i go to my regular gynocologist my mom will pay for it. good thinking. added bonus before i was called in the back to have my ultrasound, the clinic manager invited me into a little consultation room where i think they also do the depo prevera shots. she didn't have my chart so i was quite confused. it turns out they're looking for a part-time employee and they want me so so bad. ten-ish hours a week, evenings and saturdays (which is perfect for my school schedule). hahahaha i went in to the clinic to have an abortion and they offered me a job. life cracks me up. now i have all of this paperwork to fill out, background check, drug screening, et cetera. conversation with my fifteen-year-old brother me: so i went there and the clinic manager wanted to talk to me... him: what did she say? me: i'm trying to fucking tell you... him: "congratulations you have a baby! it's retarded, you can keep it if you want!!" and then i laughed for ten minutes 10 comments|post comment

the greatest thing you will ever see [12 Jul 2005|12:29pm] just a quick update before the ultrasound. my discharge has been plentiful and creamy, not quite red like blood, but not white like 'regular' discharge. to sum it up, i think i have bacterial vaginosis. i've had it twice before, it's a bacterial imbalance within your vagina caused by a number of different things (sick but true: the most likely cause in most cases is fecal bacteria entering the vagina). so maybe i can get that treated today, too. it's a five day overnight healing process and doesn't need to be treated unless it's really bothering you. i've got a pretty busy weekend ahead and i doubt i'll have time to shower every morning, so i can wait. the point of this update... i sat up in bed for a while this morning. i sneezed. i felt a big glob of discharge come out of me, much like when you're wearing pads on your period and can just feel it all rush out. gross. this caused me to actually get out of bed and start my day. to my surprise, when i took my morning pee, i didn't find a big mess of milky discharge in my underwear. i found ( this. ) WARNING: this is probably the grossest thing you will ever see. click with caution. i'll be sure to report back after the ultrasound. xxx 17 comments|post comment

[12 Jul 2005|03:40am] i freaked out on the boy today. i cried for the first time today since before i found out i was pregnant. i have my follow up ultrasound in ten hours. </life> 3 comments|post comment

[06 Jul 2005|11:36am] sleep my daily routine has been bothering me. i wake up at 2 or 3, take a pain pill, go to work at 5, try to sleep later. then i can't because of cramps in my stomach and legs (i'm a wimp when i comes to these - plus it makes me hate being female) so i take another one. then it keeps me up until 5 6 or 7am until i get so tired i just pass out and don't care about the cramps that have, by this time, returned. so last night i said fuck it and took regular tylenol pm which didn't do shit for my cramps. i went to bed before 4 which is a decent hour for me and woke up earlier. so i'm hoping i sleep earlier tonight. i really really love painkillers... sigh. blood so i'm still bleeding. not so much last night as i have been. it's been about the amount of a regular period but more clots than just loose blood. pretty much every time i pee i have a big blood clot that never goes away and i have to "clean" it up. sorry that's kind of gross. pain and cramping. i think if i changed my diet to just fruits and water and salad ("light" like they told me) i wouldn't have such a problem with my cramps. but i'm craving carbs, unlike before when i was only craving light foods - and the occasional bag of potato chips. clarity i'm mostly grateful for not having anything to resent the boy for anymore. i really hate that feeling and now that he's no longer taking up residence inside of my uterus, i can relax about him. i could 'blame' him for my current physical state but that's just retarded and immature. emotionally i feel fine. i am relaxed and poor but loving life. i guess i've been having anxiety, technically, because i've drastically changed my appearance since monday. and usually that's what that means. but it hasn't come with the usual panic feeling so i think i'm solid. when i was dying my hair it was mostly because i had a life-changing experience and needed my outsides to reflect what had gone on inside. now they definitely do. some would call me a trainwreck (you christian types); i feel more like ME. on that note, i'm going to find something to eat and start my day. much love. 10 comments|post comment

free at last! free at last! god almighty, free at last! [02 Jul 2005|10:46pm] i haven't taken a pain pill for 7 hours. i just changed my pad from 7 hours ago. i haven't had a terrible cramp (except for my very full tummy) in 7 hours. basically, i think it's over! i talked to the boy a little bit ago, he's having a wonderful time on tour, and now he has even less to worry about. i have fourteen tylenol with codeine left and one percocet. to summarize, it wasn't half as bad as i thought it was going to be. for a little while last night i thought i was going to die but instead i just took one of my pain pills and went to sleep. no worries, no troubles. now the only thing left is the ultrasound on the 11th. and the period-like bleeding for the next three weeks. i even get to start my birth control tomorrow. i'm pretty much still in shock at how simple this was. <3 13 comments|post comment

mm sleep [02 Jul 2005|03:34pm] i slept a full eight hours last night and woke up without a big mess. when i peed, i bled a lot into the toilet. i thought maybe it was all over until i started cramping terribly about thirty minutes after i got out of bed. so i took another pain pill and felt much better. here is more about the time frames i should be expecting. i really have no idea if the worst is over or if it hasn't even begun. from my information sheets... In about one to seven hours, you will begin to get cramps that may be quite strong. and later... Bleeding usually starts 30 minutes to 10 hours after the cramping begins. If you have bleeding heavier than a period, you might be having the abortion. so, according to this, the soonest it can happen is after 90 minutes and the longest is seventeen hours. damn. considering i took the pills 23 hours ago, it has statistically started. then it lasts 4-8 hours. so at the most i've got 2 hours of this abortion left. supposedly. dude this is fucking confusing. the heavy bleeding and clotting and severe cramping should be over. 23 hours the cramping is terrible and it's been 2.5 hours since my last pain pill consumption. i just took a couple ibuprofen in an attempt to save the Rx for as long as possible but i think i'll need to take another one in a moment. especially if we're going for a car ride. the bleeding isn't so bad, i think. but then again i haven't checked my pad in a while and i've been laughing/oozing some. i think the problem is that i'm supposed to be eating light but have only eaten salt and vinegar potato chips, pierogies, chocolate pudding, a few pieces of pineapple and a big glass of orange juice. yeah that's probably definitely why i feel shitty. ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. 6 comments|post comment

nuts! [02 Jul 2005|03:30am] before we left for the grocery store, the resident inquired about whether his apartment would be haunted or not. if it does turn into a ghost, it won't be a very intimidating ghost. The baby is about 1/3 of an inch, the size of a grain of rice. Development of the arms and legs continue although the fingers and toes haven't yet formed. The brain is growing as well as the lenses of the eyes, nostrils, intestines, pancreas and bronchi. i think it would be much scarier if the embryo joined the mutant goldfish from family guy in the sewers. much scarier. 7 comments|post comment

piece of cake (and pudding and cookie and anything)! [02 Jul 2005|02:35am] i cannot stop eating. i think it's because i've taken 3 painkillers so far since 6pm. i'm fucking wired right now so i'm probably going to ramble. let's at least start from the beginning! 0 hours i made ridiculous but seemingly necessary preparations before inserting the pills, see two posts ago. i laid on a towel on the couch and then got to it after first swallowing my first tylenol with codeine. the first one hurt like everything because i put it in at a bad angle and basically scraped this dry pill and my dry finger on the inside lining of my vagina. i yelped in pain, took out my finger, and then re-situated everything and it went in fine. i put in the other three and had to sit there with a finger covered in blood for 30 minutes. my phone rang shortly after and i talked to a friend of mine while i waited. because i was nervous, i just laid there until our extensive conversation ended. the cramping started almost exactly at the thirty-minute mark down my legs and in my abdomen. then shortly after that i started bleeding. 1 hour i bled and cramped and felt like shit. my best friend came home from work around seven and found me watching funny sitcoms on tv. i started to feel absolutely terrible while hanging out in the bathroom (because changing my pad every twenty minutes isn't working out) so i went to sleep in the resident's bed. by this time my cramping went down to my ankles and my ice-cold hands were my best friend on my thighs and tummy. 4 hours i slept until about ten and then made another bathroom visit where i thought i was going to throw up but simply couldn't. after which i joined my best friend in the living room and asked for quiet time. no sounds at all or smells or lights or anything. she then read the pill container and told me i was due for another pill if i wanted. so of course i indulged. i started talking and sat up and went online for the first time in a very long while. we hung out and life was fine. i spent a lot of time in the bathroom and eating fruit. i felt fine enough to make ramen but while doing so i bled so so much that it leaked all over the sides of my pad to the point where i required my second quick shower rinse of the day and a new pair of underwear. 6 hours the resident came home from work at midnight and we three sat around on our computers and planned a grocery store trip. i popped another pain pill around 12:45, put on real bottoms, and headed out. on the way i smoked my first cigarette day. on the way back i smoked my second. at the grocery store i got all kinds of abortion/pregnant lady food that i hadn't planned on, such as chocolate pudding mix. i felt fine at the grocery store, and even happy. my moods are directly related to my cramping which is directly related to my pain pills. i made a couple phone calls and left happy messages where i repeated the phrase "i'm fine. everything's fine. i hope you're fine. i'm doing very fine." several times. we came home, i bled in the toilet and even pooped a little (no diarrhea!). since then i've been eating non-stop. i even had a cookie and some milk but stopped eating it when it gave me a bit of a stomach ache (i never ever drink milk). 9 hours just now i smoked my third cigarette of the day and took my forth pain killer. i haven't bled that much since the grocery store which kind of makes me nervous. i know it's not over, so i'm pretty much just waiting for it to get terribly worse. the really bad part usually lasts 4-8 hours and then i bleed like a period for the next three weeks. i'm not allowed to wear tampons or my divacup until i go back for my follow up visit on the 11th which is going to be like when i was thirteen and wore pads all the time. yuck. i feel pretty shitty right now. i'm going to get more orange juice and then play games online because we're all awake and "partying!" i've been breaking out on my chin a lot for the past couple days. i know somewhere there's a diagram that explains which part of your body has something wrong with it according to where on your face the breakout is occurring. and i know that on this diagram, breaking out around your mouth means there's something going on with your vagina. i have no idea what to google to find this diagram, but i'm sure it exists. so that's that. it will all be over soon. :) 8 comments|post comment

the appointment [01 Jul 2005|05:25pm] i showed up at 3pm and filled out some paperwork and paid $385. the receptionist was so glad to see me and wonderful. then i waited. i peed into a cup and then had an ultrasound. all of this after the nurse practitioner hit me several times with my file. the ultrasound was the most exciting thing that's happened in this whole experience. it was so interesting and strange to actually see what was inside of me (because of course i asked). she covered an 18" long white dildo-girthed probe with a protective wrapper and put a huge glob of lube on the end. that was inside of me for about 3 minutes and i looked at the embryo in its little sac and laughed so hard. she declared it had been 6 weeks and 6 days since the first day of my last menstrual period, which is not surprising considering my six-week cycle. perfect. i then had blood tests in a different room with a different nurse. i'm Rh positive and had a good amount of hemoglobin (making me not anemic and less likely to get terribly ill from the blood loss or other possible risks). i asked a bunch of questions about what it meant to be Rh negative and what the big deal was. interesting shit. also in this part of the appointment i was offered medicine to make me not puke up the first pill. i refused because i've only been throwing up in the mornings so it was no big deal. then to sit in an office with the manager of the clinic. she explained everything to me, time frames and what to expect and everything wonderful, but i forget most of it. all of the important stuff i need to pay attention to is on my information sheets so i'm not worried. she told me that i'm basically not allowed to put anything inside of my vagina until my follow-up ultrasound. this is because of the risk of infections and i'm completely fine wearing these huge pads for the next few weeks if it'll keep me from having a fever and puking. then to the waiting room again. i booked my appointment for the follow-up ultrasound to make sure everything went as planned for july 11th and sat and waited. then the doctor showed up! each girl (there were eleven of us) went back and had a pelvic exam. the actual exam part lasted about 30 seconds but i spent a great deal of time sitting on the table with no pants on, talking to the nurse and the doctor, shooting the shit. he asked who delivered me and picked on me when i said i didn't know. it may have been him! then the nurse made me swallow the first pill (Mifeprex) and told me to take my first painkiller at the same time i insert the other pills (Cytotec). which is now. i'm still feeling that terrible hunger so i don't know if i'll get sick from the painkiller. i've been eating some but i seriously doubt that a banana and 5 crackers is good for anything. i am so scared. 11 comments|post comment

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